Letter to Stephanie Meyer.... from a vampire

Dear Stephanie Meyer,
First of all I would like to thank you for bringing all this fabulous attention to my kind. Until you wrote Twilight other vampires and I were feared creatures of the night that either brought certain death or an eternal life of damnation. It’s so much better for us now; I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of young teenage girls who throw themselves at us with hopes of becoming a sexy vampire.
But I must say, it wasn’t so much fun when these same teenage girls begged me to stand in broad daylight to “reveal my true form”. These dumb girls were somehow under the impression that vampires glitter in daylight. One of my dumb friends decided to test out this theory and well, he died (I keep a vial of his ashes with me to show all my other less intelligent friends what happens when real vampires are exposed to daylight.) and those girls thought we were “gross and totally fake” and “Edward Cullen’s skin shines like diamonds in the sunlight”. I have no idea who that guy is but I must ask you where the hell this stupid idea ever came to you from. I mentioned this to a fairy friend at a bar and she got pretty offended and yelled at me for hogging all the attention without giving them the proper credit they deserved. So thanks a lot Stephanie Meyer, now I have neon pink hair and my friends tell me I’m gayer than Edward Cullen.

he looks like this I believe...

I look something like this (with neon pink hair now, thanks to you)

Also, I must say that these girls say that I’m supposed to be the perfect gentleman because I’m a vampire and that Edward Cullen guy is the “most perfect man ever”. I don’t get these chicks, they want us to glitter, they want us to stalk them and give them piggy-back rides through the forests where I’m supposed to live in because apparently, vampires now don’t drink human blood. What the hell? We can’t digest anything other than human blood and must feed when we feel weak and start showing our true age (I’m nearing two hundred by the way). So it’s human blood or the inside of an urn for us.
Anyway, It’s no use blaming you, it’s this Edward Cullen guy I’m annoyed at I heard he reads minds too. I read this blog and it said that this Twilight thing is based on a dream that you had. I’d like to know which of my idiot friends decided to visit a fat chick’s dream and cause disgrace to our entire species. I’ll be definitely taking him to the fairies for inspiring your crappy novel in the first place. No, I’m not leading them to get you because I like you or anything; I’m just worried about what you might write about if you somehow survive the fairy attack.
Taking back the thanks that I gave you at the beginning of the letter,
Sincerely,
Count Dracula X1