Why some couples are annoying...

...annoying couple

Having my one true love far, far away in another continent is no easy task: it takes commitment, good communication and trust. Right now, I’m not exactly in the mood for ’10 tips to keep the flame up on your long distance relationship’, I’m in the mood to display my observations on stereotypical couples we meet everywhere (And no, I’m not a creepy couple watcher who peers at unsuspecting couples from discreet places in not so discreet ways) and provide comic relief and annoyance.

at diz couple

Being in Sri Lanka, I believe that the most common couple is “sexist macho guy with sexist meek girl”. I see couples like this pretty much everywhere and strangely 3 out of 5 of these couples are actually happy with each other. The common characteristics of this type of affair are: the guy tells the girl what to wear, what not to wear, who not to talk to (that usually involves all other guys because he’s convinced that the girl will cheat on him right after a conversation with some random guy and that every guy is after his beloved) and especially what she’s supposed to do with her life after marriage. I’ve met girls who claim that they want to stop whatever occupation they are in right after they are married because their boyfriends want them to be housewives while their boyfriends claim that they will not have their wives working because they can provide for them. Then again, these guys go for simple low maintenance type girls who think lipstick is sacrilege and that conditioner is unnecessary because frizzy hair is attractive. The worst part about these people is, they frown upon every independent girl who disagrees ('what? you'don't want kids right after you're married?what kind of female are you?') and are on a mission to shove their archaic beliefs down our throats (“Make up is for street-walkers and you will die if you iron your hair’). Believe me when I say, they are made for each other.

There are certain guidelines to public displays of affection and there are those “couples who don’t know the limits of PDA”. One doesn’t have to take a class to know that certain couple things are not to be done in public. While holding hands and a brief greeting kiss may be given all audience approval, it would be nice if any further public interactions are kept below PG-13. Note to all such couples, do you really want to perform your poor techniques in front of someone who is trying to keep their eyes averted and trying to be interested in the sad looking scenery outside the bus window? And yes, we get it; you’re together, now get out of sight please!

...that you guys got back together

Then there’s the quite uncommon “American TV show mimicking couple”, they are the most annoying of the lot. My advice to all you bystanders and friends of the couple is to stay the hell away from them. These couples have a tendency to have lame fights and break up to discover that the people around them are outlets to display their grieving skills which include, bad mouthing their partner, telling all the nasty things they told about you and range from being annoyingly over-friendly to scarily clingy. If you can handle that, then go, be the BFF for a while but be warned, you will be dumped without a second thought at the first hint of a reunion. Then you will be left gawking like an idiot while they canoodle around, ignoring you and the fact that you spent weeks listening to their sob stories and wiping the snot off their faces. And yes any words of condolence and comfort mentioned by you will be shared among the couple. But, don’t worry; you’ll have your revenge, when they break up again. It works like clockwork.

I can haz pokkit fulz of sunshine? plz

Last but so not least, we have “The Braggers”. These are surprisingly common; usually the bragging is done by the girl. If you happen to be friendly with such a couple, be prepared for lengthy boring discussions about how great their boyfriend is. Mostly they talk about the guy’s commitment to them (‘he always calls me before he goes to work”), the presents they receive (“OMG, I got this awesome e-card for Halloween”) and how awesome his job is (“his boss took him out to lunch and said that he can get a way better job at a way bigger company”). This is extremely annoying to me since my man is overseas and I don’t get to see him often, and this dumb girl goes on for hours about how her boyfriend ‘totally can’t go two days without seeing her’. My advice: try not to ‘one-up’ them, pretend you’re listening and make approving sounds at carefully spaced intervals, and sing ‘pocketful of sunshine’ (the take me away part) in your head.
Oh, I forgot to mention, they come to you at the slightest bump of their relationship bearing heavily detailed complaints of their misery. Enjoy!