Letter to Stephanie Meyer.... from a vampire

Dear Stephanie Meyer,
First of all I would like to thank you for bringing all this fabulous attention to my kind. Until you wrote Twilight other vampires and I were feared creatures of the night that either brought certain death or an eternal life of damnation. It’s so much better for us now; I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of young teenage girls who throw themselves at us with hopes of becoming a sexy vampire.
But I must say, it wasn’t so much fun when these same teenage girls begged me to stand in broad daylight to “reveal my true form”. These dumb girls were somehow under the impression that vampires glitter in daylight. One of my dumb friends decided to test out this theory and well, he died (I keep a vial of his ashes with me to show all my other less intelligent friends what happens when real vampires are exposed to daylight.) and those girls thought we were “gross and totally fake” and “Edward Cullen’s skin shines like diamonds in the sunlight”. I have no idea who that guy is but I must ask you where the hell this stupid idea ever came to you from. I mentioned this to a fairy friend at a bar and she got pretty offended and yelled at me for hogging all the attention without giving them the proper credit they deserved. So thanks a lot Stephanie Meyer, now I have neon pink hair and my friends tell me I’m gayer than Edward Cullen.

he looks like this I believe...

I look something like this (with neon pink hair now, thanks to you)

Also, I must say that these girls say that I’m supposed to be the perfect gentleman because I’m a vampire and that Edward Cullen guy is the “most perfect man ever”. I don’t get these chicks, they want us to glitter, they want us to stalk them and give them piggy-back rides through the forests where I’m supposed to live in because apparently, vampires now don’t drink human blood. What the hell? We can’t digest anything other than human blood and must feed when we feel weak and start showing our true age (I’m nearing two hundred by the way). So it’s human blood or the inside of an urn for us.
Anyway, It’s no use blaming you, it’s this Edward Cullen guy I’m annoyed at I heard he reads minds too. I read this blog and it said that this Twilight thing is based on a dream that you had. I’d like to know which of my idiot friends decided to visit a fat chick’s dream and cause disgrace to our entire species. I’ll be definitely taking him to the fairies for inspiring your crappy novel in the first place. No, I’m not leading them to get you because I like you or anything; I’m just worried about what you might write about if you somehow survive the fairy attack.
Taking back the thanks that I gave you at the beginning of the letter,
Sincerely,
Count Dracula X1

Why some couples are annoying...

...annoying couple

Having my one true love far, far away in another continent is no easy task: it takes commitment, good communication and trust. Right now, I’m not exactly in the mood for ’10 tips to keep the flame up on your long distance relationship’, I’m in the mood to display my observations on stereotypical couples we meet everywhere (And no, I’m not a creepy couple watcher who peers at unsuspecting couples from discreet places in not so discreet ways) and provide comic relief and annoyance.

at diz couple

Being in Sri Lanka, I believe that the most common couple is “sexist macho guy with sexist meek girl”. I see couples like this pretty much everywhere and strangely 3 out of 5 of these couples are actually happy with each other. The common characteristics of this type of affair are: the guy tells the girl what to wear, what not to wear, who not to talk to (that usually involves all other guys because he’s convinced that the girl will cheat on him right after a conversation with some random guy and that every guy is after his beloved) and especially what she’s supposed to do with her life after marriage. I’ve met girls who claim that they want to stop whatever occupation they are in right after they are married because their boyfriends want them to be housewives while their boyfriends claim that they will not have their wives working because they can provide for them. Then again, these guys go for simple low maintenance type girls who think lipstick is sacrilege and that conditioner is unnecessary because frizzy hair is attractive. The worst part about these people is, they frown upon every independent girl who disagrees ('what? you'don't want kids right after you're married?what kind of female are you?') and are on a mission to shove their archaic beliefs down our throats (“Make up is for street-walkers and you will die if you iron your hair’). Believe me when I say, they are made for each other.

There are certain guidelines to public displays of affection and there are those “couples who don’t know the limits of PDA”. One doesn’t have to take a class to know that certain couple things are not to be done in public. While holding hands and a brief greeting kiss may be given all audience approval, it would be nice if any further public interactions are kept below PG-13. Note to all such couples, do you really want to perform your poor techniques in front of someone who is trying to keep their eyes averted and trying to be interested in the sad looking scenery outside the bus window? And yes, we get it; you’re together, now get out of sight please!

...that you guys got back together

Then there’s the quite uncommon “American TV show mimicking couple”, they are the most annoying of the lot. My advice to all you bystanders and friends of the couple is to stay the hell away from them. These couples have a tendency to have lame fights and break up to discover that the people around them are outlets to display their grieving skills which include, bad mouthing their partner, telling all the nasty things they told about you and range from being annoyingly over-friendly to scarily clingy. If you can handle that, then go, be the BFF for a while but be warned, you will be dumped without a second thought at the first hint of a reunion. Then you will be left gawking like an idiot while they canoodle around, ignoring you and the fact that you spent weeks listening to their sob stories and wiping the snot off their faces. And yes any words of condolence and comfort mentioned by you will be shared among the couple. But, don’t worry; you’ll have your revenge, when they break up again. It works like clockwork.

I can haz pokkit fulz of sunshine? plz

Last but so not least, we have “The Braggers”. These are surprisingly common; usually the bragging is done by the girl. If you happen to be friendly with such a couple, be prepared for lengthy boring discussions about how great their boyfriend is. Mostly they talk about the guy’s commitment to them (‘he always calls me before he goes to work”), the presents they receive (“OMG, I got this awesome e-card for Halloween”) and how awesome his job is (“his boss took him out to lunch and said that he can get a way better job at a way bigger company”). This is extremely annoying to me since my man is overseas and I don’t get to see him often, and this dumb girl goes on for hours about how her boyfriend ‘totally can’t go two days without seeing her’. My advice: try not to ‘one-up’ them, pretend you’re listening and make approving sounds at carefully spaced intervals, and sing ‘pocketful of sunshine’ (the take me away part) in your head.
Oh, I forgot to mention, they come to you at the slightest bump of their relationship bearing heavily detailed complaints of their misery. Enjoy!

Shocked...!

It was late and dark, I was with a work buddy at a bus stop, waiting for a bus that wasn't loaded to capacity to go home after a long difficult day. We were sharing various bus jokes and laughing at random things when suddenly, a guy jumped in front of a three-wheeler and I looked away, imagining the worst. The bus stop seemed to have had stopped, everything was quiet except  screams, except, those were not of pain but of anger. "Get the hell out of there, get out of there, you whore!" my head turned to look at the guy who, moments ago, jumped in front of the moving threewheeler screaming and madly swinging at a cowering girl in the backseat. When I looked more closely, there was another guy in the back seat with her. Meanwhile, the guy outside kept trying to drag the girl out in to the pavement and the three-wheeler driver kept looking ahead oblivious to world war three going on in his backseat. This went on for about five minutes and the whole time, the guy outside the three-wheeler kept throwing threats and blows at the girl while the guy inside
kept saying " stop stop, let's just talk about this, please get in!". In the end the driver finally decided to drag his fat ass out and intervene "sir please get in, we'll go somewhere quiet and talk"
(Weird, maybe that's what he was trying to put together for so long). Eventually, Kung fu master there, finally decided to quieten down, get himself half dragged in to the backseat and allow to be zoomed away out of sight.

The crowd dispersed while my friend and I were left with open mouths. We missed a couple of empty busses too as he pointed out later. This happened a few weeks ago, and I still don't know what to say. All three of them were good looking office types and raised many a theories among the audience, which mostly justified the karate kid's actions. (They were fantastic viewers by the way, and managed to maintain absolute silence throughout the whole scene and nobody - even the body builder type guy in a muscle tee - intervened.
Maybe the grl was caught red-handed while cheating, or may be it was a weird misunderstanding of some sort. It's so not my business, but still in my opinion, people should try not to resort to violence and try to solve problems in a rational and more civilized manner.
And a note to the girl-  I don't know the real situation but, If you were cheating, I just hope you won't cheat on anyone else and if it was all just a wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time incident then, know what you're dealing with (your guy).

Concave or convex???...

When I was a teenager people would comment on how thin I looked usually followed by, "Don't you eat enough?", which usually preceded "Oh, I eat Waaaay more than you think. I just don't know where it all goes" + wide smile.
I kinda miss those days now, as of now, the same people go like "Putting some meat on I see"s and "Your face is getting rounder" GAH!!! preceded by immidiate diet plans. I have a few tips to everyone out there who has had enough of those bulges and (shudder) stomach tires,

Eat a healthy breakfast - Skipping breakfast is not a good idea if you're planning to fit in to those skinnies you bought two years ago (believe me I know, makes you crave all kinds of junk food... even ones you never liked before - chocolate biscuits). Fruits and yogurt  is a great option.

Er... no!?

Minimize carbohydrates - Yep, that means you can't gorge on a replica of sigiriya made out of rice every lunch. Think more curry than rice and you should be fine (just not enough curry to drink your meal).

No carbs!! I said no carbs!

Snack carefully - We all crave little things to much during tea breaks, it would be best to replace those visions of chocolate cake with fresh fruits and nuts. Occasional cheats - Yes, those can actually help as they keep you happy and feeling full but still won't pile up to raise the dial on the bathroom scale. But keep in mind,
you got jeans to fit in to.

Exercise - Sitting on a couch munching all the carrot sticks in the world, is not going to help. It helps to do a few laps on the pool, a morning walk on the beach or taking the stairs instead of the lift.

No, that's not exercise

H to tha O - keep youself hydrated, drink enough water to beat the heat and help with digestion as well as to keep your system clean.

showers help too

Think positive - Someone I knew once said,"You got one life, why spend it hungry?". I say "You got one life, why not be healthy?" Honestly, eating healthy doesn't mean starving oneself. And I don't think anyone wants to spend their one life sporting a matching silhouettes with the Michelin man.

... or this guy

And finally,
Relax - Stop obsessing over it. Embrace every moment of your life, even the uncertain, jiggly, wobbly bits. "Moderation is the key to success"

chillax.....

What about me? I am still craving something sweet, maybe it's time for Little Bro, to  run out for some "pani appa" (treacle hoppers). Yummmmyyy...!!!
Over and out <3

My Ideal Valentines day.

I'm planning a small online party with my boyfriend for Valentines day. I'm happy with what I've got but a girl can always dream of a perfect valentines day can't she?

My perfect valentines day includes:

                                          A beach

I LOVE the beach, If I could choose where to spend the rest of my life then I would definitely choose
somewhere within walking distance of a beach.There's just something hypnotic about the sea, the waves and the wind... perfection!!!

                                             Food

I wouldn't want to go hungry on valentines day would I? Something cheesy (the dairy product, provided by cows not the kind provided by dimwitted men), with chocolate and maybe  some pineapple would be ideal. YUM! Something simple and hassle free to eat at a beach: I'm thinking grilled cheese sandwiches, chocolate eclairs and pineapple juice (I'm actually realy hungry and craving exactly those foods now)
Gloriously unhealthy finger-food? Yes please!! omnomnomnom...

                                          Dusk

It has to be not too hot or not too cold. Since I'm not a morning person and it's my ideal date I would prefer it to be at sundown. The light would be perfect for a lovely snapshot of the perfect day.

And of course, the perfect valentines day would not be complete without my one true love by my side.... <3

All these would be nothing without someone to share it with. Well, even though this year's Valentines day is not exactly my ideal, I am sharing it with my ideal person  and nothing else matters.....!